Becoming at Peace with the Hermit Within

by Bex Carlos

Shame, the ugliest and deadliest tool in white supremacy. But that’s the thing about being the

one to break Generational Curses, you release that shame inside you. You completely transform

yourself, heal yourself, and if you are willing or fortunate enough, you help heal others.

Scorpio Season forced me to dive down into the deepest parts of myself, scuba diving to find

the tiny fragments I didn’t even know were there. Confronting my fear of abandonment and

realizing where it came from: Shallow friendships of my youth. Being the token is never easy.

Especially back then in the late 00’s, we felt so progressive. Idealism that strived for the world of

The Jetsons, however it lacked. Instead we had Gwen Stefani who did questionable things that

modernized the acts of the 1904 St. Louis World’s Fair. I didn’t have the language for the

microaggressions directed at me. How it made me feel, how it made me feel badly about myself.

I always felt different, and my friends parents had the ability, maybe even unknowingly, to

always remind me who I was.

Psychedelics get a bad rep, but they always show you true colors. The first time I experimented

with them I had a bad trip; which in hindsight was my mind telling me I wasn’t happy in the life I

created for myself. I was in the middle of a mental breakdown and felt like I was drowning with

nothing to grab. In the following 6 years, as I removed the people in my life that weren’t genuine,

I would feel sad, feeling I had no one. Intersectional Feminism, wasn’t the infamous name it is

now. Again people saw the reality they saw. My fellow queers reminded me that it was harder to

be queer than brown. As if it didn’t click with them it was possible to be both and my name didn’t

jump off the page pointing out my Spanish Colonizer Roots. I just felt so tired of the people

around me.

Love was an even more difficult beast. It’s like these people in their minds had expectations of

my level of exoticness. My knowledge of Crystal Castles & fun brunch spots was never what

they were expecting. Being told my adoration (at the time) of Kanye West was a clue of my

wanting to be a different race. Reminded again, I was the Gateway Minority. That first taste of

something different, and the teachings and beliefs that would exhaust me to educate someone

on but in the end would make them more culturally aware and interesting.

This year, ending the cycles I no longer like or even realize I take part in. Has been like opening

myself up and pulling out the pieces that no longer fit. I slowly see myself moving towards a

more hermit existence. Many Moons ago this would have made me feel alone. However, I am all

I need, and I am creating my own peace.